One of the main points of our pastor’s message was that “for most people, being listened to feels the same as being loved.” Certainly a religious and spiritual truth there, but it is really a universally human response, whether faith is involved or not. It feels good to be heard, to be listened to! And in this era of sharp divisions in our culture, listening is almost as scarce as baby formula… Here’s how this plays out for me in the team success realm…
A counselor/therapist friend recently talked about the importance of listening skills in that profession, and alluded to 12 Levels of Listening… TWELVE! I immediately felt a bit disadvantaged. Even though my field of professional coaching also teaches levels of listening, I only recall three levels. Not as impressive as twelve, but let’s see how even those three levels play out in relationships, including team collaboration.
Level one: My story
Level one listening happens pretty frequently and automatically. As my friend or teammate shares their experience or point of view, I rather quickly shift my thinking to my own experience or point of view on the same topic. I quickly realize that I have important things I want to share, also. As a matter of fact, I may already be rehearsing my counterpoint reply while the other person is still speaking! I hear their words go by, but listening is pretty much turned off as I drift into rebuttal mode. Let me be clear—I may have nothing but good will toward my friend or teammate, but my listening is tuned in only to the story in my head, and the importance of getting my story in the running. In the coaching world, this absolutely short-circuits the possibility of supporting the other person in their ability to discover a path forward in a challenge or an opportunity. I’m no longer coaching, and at best, I am “mentoring” (giving advice from my experience) which is a totally different thing.
Level 2: Your story
Level two listening is a healthy departure from level one, since our attention shifts from our own story (experience, idea, etc.) to the story we are hearing unfold. This sounds like the solution, right? We have moved from being self-centered/focused to being totally devoted to the experience and views of the other person. If we are simply looking for information, this is a positive step, but if we are looking for a connection between our own experience and opinion and that of our friend or teammate, we are still in a one-sided flow of thoughts. The real danger for coach, mentor, friend or teammate is that we may be equally elated (or saddened or frustrated) as the other person with their unfolding story that our own creativity and judgment is totally sidelined. We step out of our own experience and values to adopt that of the other person. “Okay, Tom, I see your point, but what’s the solution?”
Level 3: The story coming up between us
This is the “gold” in levels of listening. It actually can happen in two different ways, and both ways may show up! First, when I resist getting distracted by my own story or getting totally absorbed in the other person’s story, we (not just “I”) can both identify new understanding, new resources, and new possibilities in a new story that we would never have discovered from our individual experience. In a coaching conversation, this occurs when the coach holds the space for the client to identify a unique way forward in addressing an issue or meeting a challenge. Second, in the team environment, this may simply be “getting all our cards on the table”—considering all the possibilities. Not overlooking any good idea. In the team environment, this diffuses competition and hurtful conflict, and opens the door to a solution and a way forward that is not only “acceptable”to all parties but points to an outcome that did not seem possible in the beginning of the discussion.
So what can I do with this approach?
Just as you or I sometimes individually struggle to assemble competing ideas, feelings, and options into a clear plan of action, this is even more of a challenge “where two or more are gathered together”—the team. When the success of the team is the shared goal, and when each person will listen without judgment but with openness to a new story bigger than any one person’s idea, there is hope for success. And maybe even more amazing than the conflicting ideas in your head leading to a positive action, when you put your heads together through genuine listening and creative responding, your team can save the day with a brilliant (OK, workable) plan to achieve a key goal that everyone in depending on.
Think about it! Give it a try!
